WHILE SHE WAS OUT (Susan Montford, 2008)

 

WARNING: There are spoilers in this review, but, they are very important in helping you understand the very significant message of this film. If you plan on having a virgin experience with the film, please don’t read ahead. If you don’t give a crap (and I hope you don’t) please read on. Thanks.

If you haven’t seen this small little horror film by the name of While She Was Out starring Kim Basinger, let me give you some pointers for when you watch it. You can seriously learn so much from this film, and I mean a lot from this film. Especially if you are a woman…

01.) All abusive husbands say “shit” and “fuck” in every sentence. They also like to kick things around and do nothing but drink and look dirty, especially if they are supposedly respected business men.

02.) Whenever an abusive husband kicks your child’s doll, the immediate thing to do is shrill at the top of you lungs: “Don’t! It’s her favorite doll!” And come to its rescue and comfort the toy.

03.) When your abusive husband pushes you against a wall, you must cry. And once he punches the wall, he must leave an imprint. And you, as a wife suffering from domestic violence, must react with the loud pig-centric squeal.

04.) After your abusive husband makes you squeal like Ned Beatty, you must randomly tell him that: “I need wrapping paper.” Y’know, since it’s like Christmas Eve and all…

05.) Before you leave, you must tuck in your kids for bed. They are perfectly happy, especially after they attend the supper show of their mom being attacked by their father.

06.) When you have an abusive husband, he will always make you drive a crappy, rundown mini-van while he soaks in his own vanity with a brand-spanking new Mercedes.

07.) When you are driving on a wet road at the beginning of a horror movie, you will almost always come close to hitting another car due to carelessly ignoring the road.

08.) When you answer your cell phone, the other caller says “Hello!” before you do…

09.) … also, it’s real easy to tell you’re in a horror film when the battery to your cell phone dies. Strange enough that there is still enough juice in the battery for the phone to actually be capable of lighting up and telling you that it’s dead.

10.) Whenever you see a car parked in two parking spaces, the first thought is to leave a note on the car windshield expressing how disappointed you are with them.

11.) When you walk through a shopping mall, in a film based on a short story, there will no doubt be many shots of every single thing you look at. Whether it be looking at a dress, running into an old friend, looking at Christmas cards, and getting a cup of coffee in which the cashier misspells your name on. First instinct when you realize the goof? Look at the bitch running the register as if it’s her last day on earth.

12.) When exiting the mall, you get into your car ready to leave. You realize car headlights appearing from behind you, loud music booming from the vehicle. First instinct? Step from your own car and approach the strange car with words of aggravation.

13.) Who’s in the car? A gang of four. Delinquents. One white, one black, one Asian, and one Latino. Is the director trying to make some kind of political / racial statement? Obviously not – considering the first line of dialogue from the gang is given to the white guy who bluntly states: “I got a gun and it’s aiming at your pussy hole.” These are the same guys that you left the note for earlier. How did they know it was you exactly? Never mind that – tell me why do they act as over-the-top and cliche as your abusive husband?

14.) The gang taunts you because you’re a woman, and a guard approaches to save you. They shoot him. What do you do? Squeal like Ned Beatty again and get the hell outta there! Drive to the police station? No. How about an assortment of abandoned homes under construction in the middle of the woods in the middle of nowehere in the middle of a crowded city in California…

15.) When you reach this destination, you will crash into a big metal pole, which will smash through your windshield and miss your head by a fragment of an inch.

16.) First instinct? Grab a red toolbox (which is somehow easy to carry around, and doesn’t rattle one bit) from the backseat of the van, and run into the unfinished homes. Do you run as far as you can before the gang members show up? No. You wait for the gang to make it to where you are so that they have even more chances of murdering you. Duh.

17.) You, as the heroine of this film, are so ridiculously dumb that when you have the best chances to run and escape, you must linger around every object capable of hiding behind, so you can just listen to the gang members talk. I mean, that’s the only logical thing I can think of… unless you are just lingering around so that this film has a “reason” to continue on…

18.) Every time the gang members crowd you, you will escape. Even if you they are hovering above you while you are in a basement. Hello, you are the protagonist… you are a warrior!

19.) Every time the gang gets close to you, you will kill one of the members. Of course, the black guy gets it first…. But of course you don’t kill him, he trips and breaks his neck running after you.

20.) One by one, you begin murdering these gang members with a tool from your toolbox, even though you know that if you run, you can escape. Self defense? Bitch, please – you are totally wanting to just slaugher these guys for the hell of it.

21.) The first tool you bring out from your toolbox is a tire iron. Convenient that it flips open with the click of a button like a Batman gadget… (“So that’s how it fits in that box!”)

22.) You use the tire iron on the next gang member. You shove it up his nose… Literally, up his nostril. You one gifted girl, you know that?

23.) After you kill this guy, you panic and run deeper into some woods where you land in a creek. It is here where you scream for God to help you. You have two killers running after you not too far behind and you find the best thing to do at this moment is to scream for God? Funny… because somehow, they don’t hear you.. Hmmmm…..

24.) Oh yeah, and after screaming for God to help you, you pull down your pants to take a massive shit in the creek.

25.) You will kill the next guy, and the last guy living will be the white guy, and you will seduce him with your unwiped ass so that you can pull a massive blow torch from your pocket and light him on fire. But that doesn’t work, so you shoot him instead. Feels like a waste of pocket space in the end, eh?

26.) You return to your crashed mini-van and you open the lid to where you can barely even fit your hands under it, and somehow you pull off the miraculous stunt of igniting the car without even seeing what you’re touching. You leave…

27.) Never mind the cops on your way home, they never bother to ask you what the hell is wrong with the big hole in your windshield and the massive gunshots in your car.

28.) As soon as you arrive home, your car finally dies. You walk to your house, in the middle of the Christmas rain, singing Christmas carols. And yes, you do figure, even after killing some guys in the middle of nowhere in the middle of a crowded city in California, that you should grab the wrapping paper from the backseat of the van. I think the director’s point here is that she is letting us know that you are officially the female Norman Bates.

29.) You walk in your home, you’re husband verbally abuses you and you give him a witty attack of words back. You kiss your kids in their bedrooms before returning downstairs.

30.) You walk into the living room where your husband sits, drinking, and pull out a gun.

Fade to black.

This film teaches you so much, and helps make you realize the very cruel abuses that some women must endure under the vicious actions of men. How do you solve this? Take a toolbox and kill every man you know.

Lesson learned? Good. You are now officially the lead character of a mean-spirited, dumb dumb dumb, stupid, and ridiculously dumb dumb dumb piece of garbage movie. Happy with yourself? Isn’t murder just so much fun?

Advertisements

~ by jerkwoddjh on December 3, 2009.

4 Responses to “WHILE SHE WAS OUT (Susan Montford, 2008)”

  1. You’re an untalented asshole. Stay away from me and my films. Fortunately you have no readers but you are a ZERO for a human being.
    —Don Murphy

  2. Wow. Ever heard of anything called freedom of speech?

    Sorry to say, that while I do let my reviews and such out for the public to see if they wish, my intention of this site is really for myself so that I can write what I’d like to.

    I’m sorry you got so offended about what I had to say, but to be honest I am not going to take back a word I said. They are honest facts about the movie that bothered me to no end. It was so hard to write a review for the film that I had to resort to making a list of things I couldn’t stand about it.

    On a side note, I’d just like to say that I have enjoyed many of the films you have produced. “Natural Born Killer” (I give it four stars), “Bully” (three-and-a-half stars), Shoot ‘Em Up (three stars)… it’s not like I have a vendetta on you. But to put it bluntly, sorry.. but this movie sucked.

  3. Freedom of Speech is not an absolute right, turdboy. You can’t shout “fire” in a movie theatre and you can’t give medical advice if you are not a doctor. So shove your freedom of speech.
    And they are not FACTS they are your useless opinions. Zero plus Zero equals you.

    Don Murphy

  4. For one, you are very immature for a big-shot Hollywood producer.

    And for two, most of my complaints of the film’s scenes are pretty much facts since they DO happen in the film. Can you even de-bunk any of them?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: