THE UNBORN (David S. Goyer, 2009)

Every once in a while a film comes along that throughly insults the viewer’s intelligence on a scale so large, it leaves itself face down as some kind of ‘thing’ rather than a movie in which it sells itself as. 2009’s The Unborn is the first film in about four years to succeed at that acclompishment, but not only is it the worst film I’ve so far had the displeasure of seeing this year, it is also is very well one of the worst of the decade.

With its horrendous dialogue, its gaping plot holes, and obviously uneducated story points, The Unborn sounds like it could be so-bad-its-funny. But the kicker is – its not even worthy of receiving that kind of bad acclaim. Every horrible moment of the film is painful, insulting, and cringing, all while being dumb, offensive, and plain ridiculous. Its not funny, its not scary, its not a bit entertaining. And it doesn’t help that the film painfully rips off such great horror films such as “The Exorcist” and “Don’t Look Now” in such a lowbrow way that it’s a practical surprise Uwe Boll wasn’t at the center of its production.

Another painful attribute to The Unborn is that the cast has four talented actors: Gary Oldman, Jane Alexander, James Remar, and Carla Gugino, who are wasted in vacant roles, none of them seeming like anything more than a reason for the film to be sold as anything but direct-to-DVD. The rest of the cast is awful! Lead actress Odette Yustman is horrible in her performance, giving a bland, cardboard-like vibe, not even capable of pulling off a sexy scene in her underwear (easy to point out that the camera lingers on her camel toe more than anything else at that moment) or even pulling off a scene of fright. She delivers her lines terribly, and in a later scene where someone close to her dies, she lets out a cry so fake that even an unexperienced student in a high school play could pull it off with more impact. And then there is Meagan Good as her best friend, who makes her death scene a joke as she seems to have multiple seizures while croaking noises reminiscent of The Grudge.

Lets also not forget the horrendous CGI in the film, all scenes used with it are distracting and terrible, one scene even drawing the capability for the viewer to notice the lines in how the effect was done. (During the death of an old man in a nursing home, his head turns upside down and is obviously floating away from the body.) Let’s also not forget that the film doesn’t even really have a narrative, as it draws on every scene through jumps and jumps, and yes, there is even that old counter-cliché-cliché in which one suspects a character to close the bathroom mirror so that the killer can be seen behind them, but instead nothing is there and a scare comes a few seconds after that.

And finally, there is the twist. The godawful twist at the end that is as contrived, pointless, and irritating as it is bogus, trite, and stupid. And The Unborn wraps it all up with a horrible, horrible score that is as typical as every other PG-13 horror film, only here it is constantly playing in loud, nails-on-a-chalkboard continuity where not one of the second is a bit silent. (Not even during the scare scenes!)

To be blunt, The Unborn is an annoying, disjointed, offensively stupid film that expects one to believe it is possible for an unborn baby to choke a twin baby in the womb to death with an umbilical cord (everybody knows that this is impossible) and also believe that nobody would predict the ending. (By forty minutes in, one would easily figure it all out.) This is, by far, the worst film of 2009, and one of the most unintentionally, annoyingly stupid ones to come around in quite some time.

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~ by jerkwoddjh on May 11, 2009.

One Response to “THE UNBORN (David S. Goyer, 2009)”

  1. Yeah, this movie was abysmal. The worst I’ve seen this year, and in a long time. Poor Gary Oldman.

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